A friend recently told me that she was amazed that I brought my children to church. According to her, she chose not to include her children in a religious community because she feared the "guilt thing." I've heard it before, but I asked her to explain. "Oh you know," she began, leaning closer and whispering conspiratorially, "I don't want my kids to think that everything they do is wrong, and that they are inherently bad. They're good kids- they don't deserve to live life feeling guilty about every little thing they do." At the time, I simply nodded as if I understood and the conversation moved on, but I couldn't get the thought out of my mind. It kept coming back to me, and I replayed the conversation in my head over and over and over. Why didn't I feel that way? Was there truth to my friend's concern?
After mulling the conversation over for a couple of days, I finally emerged with what I wished I had said to my friend at the time of the conversation. Religion isn't about guilt. I know that sometimes popular culture paints it that way, but truly it's quite the opposite. Here's why.
Because my family follows Christ and his teachings, we don't have to carry the guilt of our deeds around because we're forgiven. It's not about guilt at all; it's about forgiveness and freedom from guilt! The Christian faith isn't about making people feel badly about their sins, and making them carry the pain of transgression around for a lifetime. Rather it is about encouraging people to seek God no matter what their past deeds are and where they are in life so that they may be freed from the guilt of sin and the terrible feelings it causes within us. Christianity offers it's patrons an unbelievable gift: the ability to lift the guilt we experience by confessing when we've made mistakes and continuing to improve ourselves. How could such a gift possibly foster or encourage guilt or shame in children?
Indeed, in my own life I have struggled tremendously with guilt relating to past deeds. Anything short of perfection seemed to be unforgivable in my mind, and I have spent a tremendous- ridiculous- amount of time dealing with that issue. Ironically, it wasn't until I became an adult Christian that I began to forgive myself for mistakes I'd made in the past; it wasn't until I truly understood the power of Christ's love and his gift to his people that I began to view myself differently. I wasn't saddled with guilt over past failures and wrongdoings any longer, but rather was supported and enriched by those experiences because I began to view them as teaching experiences rather than indications of my lack of character. Jesus taught his disciples that they must seek God's forgiveness for wrongdoing and then learn from their mistakes so that they could lead more fully Christian and compassionate lives. Jesus offers us the same bargain: admit that you've done wrong, ask forgiveness, and be healed. Be cleaned. Be forgiven. Allow the guilt to melt away. There is nothing Christ denies us his forgiveness for, so long as we approach him with a heart intent upon learning to do better. What could be more pure and encouraging?
So, had I the moment to do over, I might have reacted differently to my friend's comment. I might have described for her the feeling of grace- the understanding that you are free from guilt because you follow Christ (and go to church), not suffering because of it. I might have shared with her that my children will learn the difference between right and wrong thanks to their spiritual training, but better yet- they will learn what to do about it. When they err, they will know to seek God's forgiveness and to use the experience to help them make different choices the next time they are presented with a similar situation. They will learn that when they know Christ has forgiven them, forgiving themselves is much simpler. Likewise, they will learn that because we all share the human condition of imperfection, we must be quick to forgive others when they make mistakes which hurt us.
To me, this seems like an avenue of growth and prosperity, not one of pain and guilt. Perhaps that's the message I should have shared with my friend when I had the chance. But I won't waste time feeling guilty about it- now that I've had time to think about what I could have, and should have done, next time I'm presented with the chance I'll know what to say. And that, I think, is the point.
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